I thought I had some sort of opinion about Jack Johnson. I never heard of him until I attended the APW festival last August. I was just sort of wandering with my son Nicky who in fact was enjoying his first concert. We knew he was headlining that night but again, I never heard of him and we were there as guests of one of the crew (my boyfriend). Anyway, Jack came on and it was raining and crowded and someone described him as a Dave Matthews band just way more mellow. I wasn't feeling it at all; however the crowd was going crazy for him. To say the least, it was mellow. Too mellow for me and Nicky didn't much care about it either. So that was that. I wasn't converted. I didn't really care either way. Fast forward to today. I heard one song on the radio and my interest was peaked. I liked it. It was chill. It was just the sound I was needing to hear I guess because I came home and logged into his website and listened to his Sleep Through The Static cd. I freaking loved it. I want it on my ipod playing in the background now all the time. The funny thing is... is that I have been struggling to find something to listen to and my music has been boring me to death. Every day, I get in my car and go to the same playlists and I am dissapointed. Well disappointed no longer!! It is always so refreshing to find the love in something new. And just at the perfect time too!
hello out there. It sure has been a long time since i posted last. lots of changes in my life. All good. I moved into a really nice place. My boyfriend has been here with me since Oct helping me to get settled and just being supportive. My boys are doing well. My job is ok. Money seems to be ok. So i really have nothing to complain about. I have been splurging on nice clothes and shoes and makeup and perfume etc.... I feel like I have everything i want currently. I am in no position to be accusational, irrational, mentally unstable. So........why do i feel blue? I wanted wanted wanted and now I worked hard and here i am and i got it.....for the most part......and i can't help thinking........like is this it? I can't explain it. It is not PMS. I am not too sure but for now.....i am sitting at my pc in my boys room. Their room looks fantastic (thanks baby).....and everyone is comfy. I am not even sure why i am writing except to say that I am here...alive and well.... my last post was so dramatic. Really. I can't even read that when I am stable. I can't believe how stupid i sound sometimes. Oh well....always time for stupid.....
Can’t work today… my mind is all over the place. I am overthinking everything I imagine. I am terribly missing some physical contact with my bf. So bad that I resorted to writing him a dirty letter (I didn’t send it) describing what I am in the mood for, beginning to end. I was paralyzed with frustration while writing it too and eventually ended up in the ladies room taking care of business (whatever people, don’t judge) Anyway, I don’t know why I am so sexually combustible right now. The future of my life lies in hold with him, and all I can think about is having insanely passionate sex with him. I can’t even picture it with someone else. It has to be him. Why is my mind playing games on me? Why am I not devastated by the possible loss of him in other ways. Am I unconsioulsy turning us into a fuck friend type scenario because I know that our situation is not really going to be anything more? Is this a defense mechanisim to spare me the undue anxiety I get from him on all other levels? Have I given up? I printed out some pictures of him with my boys from happier times but still feel the same. What is going on with me? I don’t even want to send him my dirty letter for fear he will think I am a freak because I keep thinking about him in compromising positions. We have determined that we need to see each other and talk. But I keep trying to tell him that I need the little things. I cling to them. Last night I sent him a song that made me think of him and yes, he got it and he liked it but no recipratcation. Nothing. Now I know guys are not built this way and I shouldn’t get offended but it will make me change the way I view him. Feeling slighted changes me and makes me sort of indifferent. I want a fucking song! I want him to recognize something that reminds him of me and tells me about it. Take that time out to make your partner feel loved and needed. I feel like I don’t fit in. I really feel like sex is the only flawless part of us. When we finally do see each other, it is all about sex at first and if there is time, we do other things but mostly just sex. And good….. no great, intense, can’t breathe sex. Am I infatuated with him? Addicted to him? What is the difference between loving someone and craving them? Have I subconsciously turned us into friends with benefits?
I need help. Not sure that this is the place to be so freaking honest though?
Ok, so he called. And we talked and talked and talked and talked. UGH...... enough fucking talking. So we need to communicate better. We have to talk face to face. but I know me. I melt around him. I am held captive by his presence. I do love him but I honestly don't have the strength to endure any more meldowns........ So whatever. So today I took my boys to Fire Island. We took a 9am ferry and stayed until 6pm. They had a blast and never left the water for 8 hours... they rode those waves and met so many friends... i loved watching them have so much fun. then we had cheesburgers and ice cream...... But 9 hours on the beach took its toll despite SPF. I am burnt.......but it will even out and look good in a day or so. I needed color anyway. I also proudly strutted my bad ass self in my two picece feeling quite lovely!! My sit ups and healthy eating are paying off. But still I lay on the beach missing him and feeling envious of all the girls that had their bf's laying next to them.
Stupid talk from an irrational, horny person at 1am. Good god. I am going to bed.....
i sit here wondering what it all means. I feel numb. I have nothing to look forward to. Physically, I feel great. I lost that unwanted weight. My skin is clear. Everything is waxed. My hair looks good. My nails are nice and long (grew them out in case I received a ring)......... yet, not feeling mentally so good. I am lonely. I don't know where to begin with dating. I don't want to do internet dating. I have no buddies to pal around with and troll bars/lounges. I miss being held and kissed. When i did have it with my bf, it was so nice and felt so right. But it was not enough to make me feel needed or special. Thus here i am. Still lonely and left wondering. I thought i made a mark on his life that would validate my presense. I guess not. He is on to new things, new opportunites. Who even knows where he is. I feel I should reach out to his parents and say goodbye. I loved them. I am sure though everyone he tells will say he is better off. I had such confidence. Anyway, I am here......kind of lonely. My boys are waking up. Heres to a good day...
it has been 5 days since my boyfriend and I broke up. Now I don't know if it is because of my meds or my nightly Xanax relief but I am not too broken up about it yet. I am sad yes. I miss him but I feel a wieght has been lifted by not wondering or worrying about him anymore. I feel this was very necessary. I was obvioulsy right in my thinking al this time that he is just too self absorbed in himself to maintain a relatinship with me. So I guess I am on my own now. I have never really dated as an adult but I guess here I go. I have been eating well and excercising. I lost 9 lbs and I feel really good physically and strangely enough, mentally also. I wonder if I am being normal. I spent so much time apart from him that this doesn't seem too bad. now I have to tell my kids. That is the only bad thing because they really did like him.
Oh well. So now the dating scene. Scary but a little exciting....... hmmmmmmmm..........
I seem to be ok..
Being that I don't feel better despite all of the hard work and effort I have put into myself, I have taken my anxieties to my doctor. I am now on Zoloft. I feel calmer knowing that there may be a cure for this. I feel that it is truly an uncontrollable anxiety issue that manifests into this monster that I cannot control. I feel that I have pushed myself and my lover to extremes in testing the nature of our relationship and our love. I have sabotaged him and myself with stupid, angry, jealous driven ranting. I am relentless. Today I had a minor slip but recovered nicely (or so I thought)...he became annoyed at my comments and I assured him i was mistaken and am fine. I have done alot of yelling out loud today so that i would not yell at him. So anyway, I am going to try and even out and make life bearable. I also have been given Xanax that I took last night and slept well. Although, I had strange, uncomfortable dreams. I am leaving tomorrow to go to work an event until Tuesday. I am looking forward to working and interracting with people and pullling off a good show. I am staying positive although again, I feel that my man is not acting right. This could all be in my head but I feel things changing slightly. I feel so annoyed that I am always writing about the same subject but honestly, I have a hard time writing when I have nothing on my mind, or I am too lazy. I have been immersed in books lately. I love reading. I have just finished a book on the Algonquin Round Table. Off of that, I then went to Dorothy Parker, Edna St. Vincent Milay and Edna Farber. I didn't find the latter as interesting as Ms. Dorothy Parker. I am reading her biography now but I am simltanously reading some old New Yorker stories with Robert Benchely and Bob Sherwood. I am so facinated by the lives of these writers. They all see so tortured yet alive and interesting and funny...... I was going to try my hand at some short story writing but I don't posses the flow that is required for interesting reading.. Nice thought though. Anyway, I am praying that the love of my life is NOT sick of me (only time will tell) and that I recover from this long bout of anxiety and insecurity. I am hoping to chill the fuck out. I am hoping that we make it. I can't imagine being with someone else.
trying so hard to stay occupied and quite my brain of all my tyranical thoughts.... i could be busy if i wanted to but my mind keeps drifting to that inevitable subject I despise....trust/jealousy.... so i would imagine it stems from the way it turns out i met my man... I was married.. for a long time. I had kids and a house and was getting by (although unhappy). I knew something was out of whack when I did not want to kiss my husband anymore and had to drink shots before bed.. I was constantly fantasizing about what it would be like to be with someone that I adored and cherished and longed for when apart. I just did not have this chemistry with my husband. My marriage then became open at the request of my husband because he felt that it was unfair to me to have only been with him (since 18) and suggested when I travel, get my wild oats sowed. Weird I know but intriguing nonetheless. I was confused about that but went ahead and tried on a few and felt weird reporting back to my husband. I had no control of anything and now I couldn't even control the feelings I was having being in such a werid place. I was out of control I guess and vain. I didn't have any issues with something I sought out (not many).....but then I met him. and feel out of control, madly in love with him. I threw it all away to be with him. My husband found out and I could no longer hide the immense feelings I had for my new friend. He was everything I had wanted. everything I dreamed about and still is. Anyway, I moved out, divorced and am still doing this long distance thing. I am still struggling with the distance and the time apart. Although, he has definitely taken steps to plan vacations with my boys, spend time with them and get to know them and become more constant in all of our lives. I am so sad apart from him. I feel hollow, like something is missing. this last trip, we had just recovered from a huge fight because he went out to a bar after dinner with his guys while working in California. I took it too a new low and announced that he is wrong. He should not use all of his onsite time to be out and about. Why is that necessary to keep putting yourself in situtaions that can get crazy. Out late, drinking, chilling out.....feeling good, without your woman. WHY? I don't feel that urge when I am traveling anymore. I am perfectly content to just do my thing. Anyway, we talked about why I freak out and he said simply "Baby, we are solid. I am not going anywhere. I have invested so much of my life into us. Stop! Know that we are solid. Get busy with something while we are apart. Be an indivicual. That is whay I loved about you when we met....is that you were an indivicual. YOU HAVE NOTHING to worry about". I know that it is such a turn off to be so needy and insecure. And yet, I feel he still is in this with me as much as i am. BUT, i am constantly worried that he will at random, meet some girl that will just WOW him and make my issues seem like mountains and go off with her. I am worried that my body is not perfect and my hair and he checks everything out and I feel I am being compared......and not measuring up. I worry because I saw some gorgeous girl talking to some guy with a ring in an airport. They talked for so long and were so engaged with each other and she was so pretty and then her row was called and she said bye, nice to meet you and got on the plane and then watched him sit there looking for her. How would his wife feel if she knew her husband was just talking to some gorgeors girl for two hours and had a really really good time. I know that is I guess harmless (no body parts touching) but in my mind, just as bad. What if he is left wondering??? What if they exchanged email addresses and kept in touch..? It happened to me I guess so therefore, I will forever be cursed with worring about the same thing happening. He is not like that though...and this is what I try to believe. BUT i don't want to be foolish and blind. I can't find the happy medium and I am struggling. He is right now working some bike fashion show for the next week or so. He is sitting there watching all these hot girls with there fantastic fucking bodies bounce all over the place and I am no where near him til at least July 27.....then he leaves again to California. And I am suppossed to sit back and trust in his love and handle things gracefully and be totally secure with my relationship and body. It is never going to happen. I am at such a loss. I don't know what to do. I am constantly worried some dynamite chick is going to captivate my lover as he did with me... How can I look that this different and not destroy my relationship with this man that I am totally in love with?? Always the same thing.... It never ends with me... I am sick of it. I am getting "grace" tattooed on my wrist to remind me every day to be graceful. NO matter what......
Its been so long since i have had the urge to update by blog. Lots of ups and downs but mostly ups. Still thriving with my boyfriend.
I am not calling anyone that can help me a geek...just trying to be witty. Anyway...I am having a HUGE problem at work and i need some advice. I need a dynamite way to keep my files organized. I use outlook so i tend to use the outlook sidebar and create folders that I can just transfer my emails in them. BUT, I also have a habit of using my local documents and creating folders in there so i can save pdfs, spreadsheets etc... but now I am getting confused with where to keep everything. I have struggled for years with this disorganization but have managed to find what i need.......until now. Now i am so bombarded i don't know what to do. Can anyone advise me of a good way to keep my files so that I am super organized and my inbox doesn't have 1300 emails?
Please..I beg you all........LOL ....seriously help me....
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